Every parent wants their child to become a self-confident,
self-aware being who deals well with challenges and can get the
most out of life. What if female couples have found the secret?
A series of studies in Canada and elsewhere over the past decade
has found that the children of lesbians aren't just
well-adjusted � they excel. On average, kids with two moms seem
to be more confident and less aggressive than those raised by a
mom and a dad. They are open-minded, affectionate and less
susceptible to anxiety and depression.
The research is still very new, and there aren't yet any
definitive long-term, single-study comparisons of kids raised by
lesbian and heterosexual couples. There is even less data on
children of gay dads: In Canada, almost a quarter of married
lesbians live with children, while only 9 per cent of married
gay men do. But the signs seem to indicate their kids, too, are
at least as successful as those with heterosexual parents.
It's quite a switch from the many accusations made against gay
parents, warnings that their children would be raised in
household instability and into gender confusion. Just a few
decades ago, a parent who left a heterosexual marriage and came
out would most likely lose custody. Legal recognition has been
piecemeal by province: It was in 1999 that Alberta courts first
agreed to let same-sex partners adopt each other's biological
children. Gays and lesbians in New Brunswick have been able to
adopt legally only since 2004.
Considering all that, and the fact that women on average earn
lower salaries, one might assume that kids raised by lesbian
couples would have tougher lives. And yet it seems it is not so.
Lesbian Lessons in raising Happy and Healthy Kids
1. Have an equal, loving partner
Two-parent families, regardless of parents' orientations, tend
to raise happier children. Two adults bring more financial
resources into the house and can trade off duties to recharge.
�There's a greater demand on single mothers and single fathers,�
says Paul Hastings, a psychologist at the University of
California Davis. �It's more challenging to accomplish.�
He adds: �The caveat is that if the two partners are in a highly
conflicted, dysfunctional relationship, that's not better for
the kids. � But in a good marital relationship, there are lower
rates of child stress and conflict.�
And there, same-sex female couples may have at least one
advantage: While straight men are getting better at doing unpaid
housework and child care, the division of labour is still far
from equal. The 2006 Canadian census found that only 21.8 per
cent of men did 30 or more hours of child care a week, compared
with 47.3 per cent of women.
Deborah Foster, a women and gender studies scholar at Alberta's
Athabasca University, has found that two-mother families are
happier with the emotional support and chore-sharing in their
families than are moms in straight couples.
And when things don't work out, most put the kids first: The
25-year report of the U.S. National Longitudinal Lesbian Family
Study (NLLFS), released in 2010, found that while just over half
the couples separated (after an average of 12 years together),
the vast majority � more than 70 per cent � went on to share
custody.
2. Don't hit them
Zero. That's the risk of child abuse in lesbian households,
according to the NLLFS, led by the Williams Institute, an
affiliate of the University of California at Los Angeles.
Granted, the sample size was small, and the 79 adolescents
interviewed could have been reluctant to cast their families in
a negative light. Still, it does seem likely the real level of
abuse is very low.
�Lesbian mothers spank less than heterosexual parents,� says
Prof. Hastings, who was enlisted in 2004 (while teaching at
Concordia University in Montreal) to write a Department of
Justice report comparing children from homosexual- and
heterosexual-led families. �It's a pretty consistent finding.�
In heterosexual families, it is fathers who most often use
physical discipline. �Fathers tend to be more strict and
authoritarian,� Prof. Hastings says, though how much that
applies to gay dads isn't yet known. Canada's Criminal Code
allows the use of �reasonable force� in disciplining children.
But if parents are following the lesbian example, it just isn't
done.
3. Tell them where they came from
�Oh, I've known that for years,� 12-year-old Caleb Foster says
when asked how he came into the world. �My uncle gave sperm and
Mommy had me.� Mommy is his birth mother, Beth Foster; Mama is
her partner, Lesley Fellows (moms who aren't biologically
related to their children often use the term �co-mother�). His
DNA-donor �uncle� is a close family friend, but for Caleb, the
word �parents� refers to his moms.
�I've got my family and I'm going to keep it,� says the Montreal
karate blue belt, who enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons.For
such families, the story of conception is rarely simple.
Athabasca University's Deborah Foster and other researchers have
noted that children are less anxious about their uncommon family
structures when they're told early about divorce, adoption,
donors or the other ways they might have been conceived. �Most
children of lesbians know at a very young age,� Prof. Hastings
says.
His research found that in cases of assisted conception,
lesbians were less secretive with their children than straight
parents were, with positive effects on family relationships.
�Offspring who don't find out until adolescence or adulthood
feel more negatively.�
Mikaela Graham-Radford, 21, and her twin sister, Zo�, were
adopted from Romania as infants. Through their childhoods, their
mothers, Jan Radford and Lindsey Graham, were frank, welcoming
questions and encouraging them to write to their biological
relatives. When the twins were about 11, the foursome travelled
from Burnaby, B.C., to Romania. The families still exchange
photos and e-mails.This �helped me accept who I am and not be
afraid or not be shy,� Mikaela says.
Families who conceive the more conventional way also have
opportunities to ground kids in their backgrounds and
identities. Prof. Hastings says African-American parents, for
example, who share honest history with their kids � even the
painful parts � tend to raise resilient offspring who confront
prejudice with education and don't let it affect their
self-esteem.
4. Stand up for them � and teach them to stand up for
themselves
Children with same-sex parents are undoubtedly bullied. A recent
survey by the legal rights group Equality for Gays And Lesbians
Everywhere found that 37 per cent of these teens reported verbal
harassment, and 27 per cent reported physical harassment.
When Ms. Radford and Ms. Graham enrolled their twins in school,
the couple decided to be pro-active about heading off curiosity
and prejudice. �We went down to the school and met the principal
beforehand and said, �This is who we are, this is our story and
this is how we expect to be treated,'� Ms. Radford says.
The couple's two younger adoptive children, Heather and Hunter,
8 and 5, now attend the same school their older sisters once
went to. None of the four ever had major problems with teachers
or fellow students. �We've had a terrific time,� Ms. Radford
says. �I think because we were really out there with who we
were. People knew � they weren't guessing.�
Heather is at once nonchalant and frustrated when asked how she
deals with classmates who wonder why she has two moms. �I say,
�I just do,'� the third-grader says. �But they think I have a
bigger story than that.�
This grade-school observation is at the root of the LGBT Family
Coalition of Montreal's program giving seminars to child-care
professionals � everyone from teachers and daycare workers to
janitorial staff and the school principal. The classes aren't
strictly about gay-led families, but focus on how to make the
whole community comfortable with a variety of
family types. The group is booked solid until next February.
�It shouldn't be on our children's backs to change the culture,�
says the group's executive director, Mona Greenbaum. �It's up to
the professionals that work with our kids.�
And that should hold true for any kids who face extra challenges
� as families of kids with physical or learning disabilities,
for example, have already learned.
When it comes to prepping kids on how to deal with teasing or
bullying, different parents take different approaches. �Some are
pro-active, some would rather wait � they say, �Why bring up a
problem?' � Ms. Greenbaum says. �I would never say which is
right and which is wrong.�
�It's difficult, because when you talk to the kids themselves,
they tell us about the school cultures that they live in.
Although we don't like to hear it, they say that what sometimes
works best is to beat somebody up,� says Rachel Epstein, the
coordinator of Toronto's LGBTQ Parenting Network. �You don't
want to encourage violence, but we have to pay attention to what
kids tell us about their social context.�
�Somebody said, �At least I have a family,' to me,� Montreal
tween Caleb Foster says. �That was probably the worst thing. I
didn't say anything back. I went straight to the teacher, who
reported it to the principal, who talked to the kid. I felt that
was okay. We actually became sort of friends.�
5. It does take a village. So build one
Against criticisms that their children lack male role models,
many lesbian moms can counter that their kids have an even
greater variety of adult nurturers. These �chosen families,�
sometimes formed when gay people are estranged from their own
relatives, are often reinforced by their paths to parenting, so
that Caleb, for instance, acquires a sperm-donor �uncle.�
As a result, many children of lesbian couples may benefit from a
�village� effect, to recall the African-inspired proverb Hillary
Clinton made famous. Last year, the mothers of Tasha and Josh
Lilliman (16 and 13) moved them into a large Montreal house with
another lesbian couple who have a six-year-old and a
three-year-old. Two mothers work, while two stay home. Domestic
jobs are split up using a big chore wheel. Tasha also knows her
sperm donor and his daughter, who she calls her �genetic
half-sister.�
She doesn't feel thrown off by the arrangement: �I have an even
bigger, loving family now. � It's interesting to grow up to see
so many different types of love.� Other families, too, might
find it easier when parents don't try to handle everything
alone, and help relieve the pressure by reaching out to friends,
relatives and other families.
6. Let them make their own spaces too
Since the mid-1980s, when so many lesbians began pursuing
motherhood that it was labelled the Lavender Baby Boom, support
has become easier to find. Toronto has the LGBTQ Parenting
Network, Montreal has the LGBT Family Coalition, and Vancouver
has Queer Families.
There are even summer camps such as Camp Ten Oaks in Quebec's
Gatineau Hills, founded in 2004 by a lesbian couple who felt
their children could use a space to canoe, hike and camp without
awkward scrutiny. The camp is regularly at its 64-spot capacity
for its two-week run. As its members grew older, staff created
Project Acorn, a leadership program for GLBT teens and the kids
of same-sex couples. These �lavender babies,� now too old for
picnics and play groups, have ideas and sexualities of their
own, and they want to be seen as independent beings deserving a
distinct space in lesbian, gay and transgendered communities �
even if they're straight.
Some are adopting the term �queer spawn� as a label that is
about them, not their parents. �It influences every decision I
make, in both positive and negative ways,� says Danielle
Sutherland, 26, who grew up north of Toronto with a lesbian
mother. �Job interviews, any time I talk about my family, what I
did in school.� She wrote her master's thesis in social work at
Ryerson University on the queer-spawn experience.
Ms. Sutherland and her friend Sadie Epstein-Fine have both been
councillors at Camp Ten Oaks. Project Acorn energized and
excited them, connecting them with like minded youth in a way
they hadn't before.
�My mom wasn't active in the queer community,� Ms. Sutherland
says. �I kept having to explain myself to people, figuring out a
way to get involved.� Late this past summer, the two young women
and five friends decided to start a group called Through Our
Roots. Their goal is to make a documentary, hold conferences and
events and generally give offspring a voice.
They know the term queer spawn isn't to everyone's taste.
�That's why I like it,� Ms. Epstein-Fine says. �I identify with
a term that's provocative, rather than something like �rainbow
children.' �
As with any identity label, there will be those who don't
identify with it: Brandon Gibson-Jones, a 15-year-old with two
fathers who lives in Bowmanville, Ont., says he doesn't feel
closer to his set of friends with two moms than he does to other
peers. And like every parent, gays and lesbians have to accept
that their kids' affinities might be different than their own.
Dedicated parents who chauffeur offspring to early-morning
lessons will some day have to accept that playing hockey or
dancing ballet might not be how their children see their own
futures
7. Trust that they love you � even when you stress them out
Ms. Epstein-Fine was 10 when she testified in the 2005 court
case that granted Ontario citizens the right to list two mothers
on a birth certificate. Growing up, she felt like a �poster
child,� unable to commiserate with friends about parent-child
friction.�You can't talk about anything in your family that
could be negative,� she says. �It wasn't my moms saying I had to
do that � it was me feeling that pressure.�
One of her mothers is Rachel Epstein, who heads up Toronto's
Parenting Network and edited Who's Your Daddy, a 2009 collection
of essays on queer-parented families. �What we find is that our
kids are protective,� she says. �Sometimes they don't tell us
because they don't want to hurt us.� Prof. Hastings says
adolescent children do sometimes pressure their parents to be
less �out.� But, of course, the adolescent tendency to pull away
from parents is well-documented in studies of child development,
as tweens and teens establish individual identity and seek peer
approval. Kids are mortified if dad or mom tries to adopt their
slang. And queer spawn say choosing to be less open about their
families, that doesn't mean they're ashamed.
�I don't feel like I'm keeping a secret. I feel that I'm
discreet about my personal life,� says �Darius,� a 13-year-old
who prefers not to use his real name because he is not telling
his classmates that he has lesbian parents.Darius was more open
in his elementary school, and he feels he was ostracized because
of it. �People were avoiding me,� he says. �I often had lunch
alone. I used to find it very stressful.�
So when he started junior high, he chose not to tell anyone
about his moms. He doesn't have friends over to his house � not
even his closest friends know.�I think I made the right choice,�
he says. �It's been my best two school years.�Even though Darius
isn't fully open about his life, he's not upset. He's never
wished that he had a different type of family. �I love them, and
that's it,� he says of his moms. �I just love them.�
Women Fitness hope this article may be a resource for lesbian
parents to be successful parents.